Monday, September 13, 2010

Milk Dates

Did you know that there's a guy down at the milk factory, where they make milk, who has a degree in milk expiration? A doctorate actually. Yeah he's a doctor in milkology. He has studied, extensively, for almost a decade, the art of dating milk to know the exact fucking second when it will go bad.

Actually, no. And that's the problem with this world. I bet you didn't know that. The problem is the expiration dates on milk. To be clear, it's actually peoples' reactions to them. If the milk expires on Monday and you drink it on Tuesday, guess what.

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure you can handle it?

You won't die.

That's right. If it says the milk will expire and you drink it one OR EVEN SOME MORE days afterward, you're not going to barf up cheese, choke on your vomit and keel over and die. It's just milk. There's no way to know exactly when it will expire. And most dates printed on containers are not DRINK BY dates, they're SELL BY dates. Meaning the store needs to throw it out if it's still there on that date, not you you fucking idiot. What is the deal with people being so protective of each other? It's not going to hurt you to drink some funky milk. What's more important in this economy, folks? Saving as much food and money as possible, ie. using what you've bought and not wasting it, or MAYBE barfing a little curdled mess up once in a great while? Stop babying your children and each other. Everyone needs to grow some hair on their balls.

When I have kids, not only will I not stand in the milk aisle for 13 years looking for the one jug of milk in the back whose date is like one day later than every one else's, I'm going to make him drink bad milk to build character. I'm going to make him drink it and fucking like it.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

GTFO 9/11

I'm so tired of hearing about this stuff. I am an American and things like today make me ashamed to be one. Nine years ago, some assholes flew planes into these giant buildings. The hijackers were religious idiots and no one deserved to die but them. This is all given. It's been nine years though. People are making a stink about it like it happened yesterday.

Did you know that every day, there are people getting killed for no good reason? In larger quantities, in more inhumane ways, all over the place. And Americans don't give a shit about any of them. Know why? Because it isn't white Christian Americans who are being killed. And that's the beef I have with this place. I can't turn the TV on without seeing someone babbling about how America is unstoppable or how patriotic some guy is in his NASCAR shirt with his Pabst.

The world sees us as naive idiots who believe Jesus rode a dinosaur and that the whole world speaks English and shops at Target. If you polled Americans, I bet you 9 out of 10 of them would shit themselves when they found out that damn near everybody in Asia does NOT use Facebook, but some other social networking site that they'll never care about enough to research. Americans are, by far, the most self-centered turds to grace the planet.

Mourn in private. Why does it have to be a parade? Do you want me to feel sorry for you? Do you feel entitled to the world's attention? Because you're not. And I won't. And neither will the rest of the planet. Because they're busy with their own problems, that are a lot more detrimental than the fluke that happened in 2001.

Where people walk.

You're walking somewhere because you're a poor piece of shit and you can't even afford the bus. However, the hard working people of this city who actually paid taxes helped fund some good sidewalks on the side of the road there, yet your incompetent ass decides to walk in the middle of the street. And then when I pull up behind you and stare at you like you're the shit of the earth because you're in my way and making me late to the strip club, you have the nerve to turn around and give me the evil eye like it's my god damn fault, like my car is in the wrong place. I wish I could spit on you, but I can't... because I can't get beside you.


This blog is going to be tight.